Spoiled

When I first started living in Japan and still staying with my husband's parents, my mother-in-law often wondered why I was able to have lunch alone. Well, school was one reason that made me have lunch early, so I settled the meal alone quite a-matter-of-factly. She differed, and insisted, ' It wouldn't be nice to eat alone, meals must be had with somebody or it will not be delicious. ' To her, eating alone is a disbelief.



I couldn't help ridiculing this mentality after hearing the same line an umpteen times. When I was still a happy spinster, occasional work commitment did not allow me to have lunch with co-workers, or dinner at home. ' Eating alone ' was cleanly not an issue.

Despite being surrounded by friends, I relished time too when I could have it alone. I ENJOYED shopping alone, meals alone, movies, exhibitions, commuting, you name it. I love my friends, but I love time for ' just me ' no less. Time alone recharged me and made me wholesome. As I recall, some of my girl friends could not understand me. They claimed that they could never eat without someone, let alone shopping, movies and others. That's fine... we are made of some different mental ware, that's all, I reckoned.

Things may have changed.



I skipped to my cellphone when a message came and halted when I realized it couldn't be from the Bear abroad. The sound of my neighbour reaching for door keys startled me. I tend to skip meal these days, though I've promised to eat. I missed my favourite tv show! Sleepless nights.



Marriage, in a way, has probably broken me into vulnerable pieces.

The strong and independent characteristic in me I loved wielding, is slipping through my clasped fist as I watch it go with dread. I always thought that I'd be better all by myself, I've never been so wrong before.

I'm spoiled. I'm spoiled by my other half who string plays my mind so effortlessly. His constant dose of loving, addictive and stings to live without, has robbed me off my self-reliance. This queer reality overwhelms me... marriage has not made me any stronger, it has merely nutured a womanly heart in me I've not asked to possess. It has rendered me powerless over myself and him, succumb to the faintest gentleness in his voice, and susceptible during his mere absence.

I'm spoiled. I didn't know that having meals alone could feel different. I admit that I don't like eating alone these days, and I don't like the spoiled figure I see in me.