02 June 2011


readcrumbs is 36 weeks today.

He weighed 2506 grams yesterday while an average should read 2622 grams. Yes I know, he is like an insignificant 5% lighter, but did I mention he used to be 2 weeks heavier all along until a fortnight ago? I've finally understood why some moms are upset over their 'smaller' kid, while I thought their worry is unfounded if the child is totally healthy. I think I'm getting it now.

But I wouldn't use the word on Breadcrumbs - small. For he could be smaller than how the scanner has measured him. He could be even smaller than the rightful figures by the time he arrives. But so what if he's small. His size doesn't represent what I am capable of or what's short of me. It's pointless to judge. You have no idea how big he is to me.

If there should be anyone small, it's me. It's the weakling in me who cowers at the slightest threat, surrenders to pressure, recoils at hindrance, and owns mistakes which are not mine. When things go bad, I'll look just as bad, because I'm the one bad. I get the biggest slice of blame for everything, it's so easy to associate me with every shit that happens. Because I will never talk back, and you can spin whatever stories behind and you think nobody will know.

Yes. I'm small. Because you've damned me this small. I'm 36, but I'm terrorised like a 5 year old over and over again. Quite simply, am I not nurtured this mentally small and weak, so that you can play big and powerful.

But a closure will come. Those baggages you've fastened on my soul, God will break the hot shackles and help me move on. If there's really a thing like a curse, let it end with me, for I think I've paid and pained enough. With the birth of my own child, I want a rebirth within myself. I want to and I will find my own footing in parenthood. It may be a formula unbeknownst to me, but you can dream on if you think I'll be left to use excruciation that you've been excercising on me so conveniently. My child doesn't deserve it. In the first place, nobody deserves it.

I want to defy the word 'small'. Or I'd like to show you that the microscopic me can make it to the shore that you've been detering me from, because you've never made it there yourself. Make me small, YES! you can shatter my legs but you can never break me. Like it or not, I will grow bigger, stronger, for my child. It will never be like what's between us.


Maggie and Mitch said...

Our mom always said that she felt extremely over-protective when our sissy was growing inside her belly and it's amazing how much love you have for them even before they are born!

Love ya lots
Maggie and Mitch

bp said...

*HUGS* dearie!!! Always always know how BIG you are to our Heavenly Father, He has your name written on His palm!

And amen to the wonderful new chapter just around the corner, when with Him who makes all things new, and by His grace day by day, His love in you will be far bigger than ever!

I have no doubt u will be the best mommy ever to Breadcrumbs :)

Btw, my two boys were 8lb n 8lb 6oz when they were born, bigger than what the gynae had estimated. So yah, u will find out on THE HAPPY DAY itself!

Be so so blessed by your BIG BUNDLE OF JOY, and continue to be the HUGE BLESSING u r to me and so many others who love u! I know I'm not the only one behind u, cheering u on! Jiayou!!!

stay-at-home mum said...

Dont worry about being small. I was small all my life (my mom almost had a miscarriage at 6 months) but NOT anymore, and the funny thing, all my babies were BIG. Apart from D, most people never guessed i was 9 months preggers when I was due coz I was small, coz my babies were nicely nestled in the back (giving me a bad backache) and came out bigger than the average newborn!! Even lil D was BIG for a pre-term baby! From tiny acorns grow giant oaks. And I know you are a BIG friend, thats all that matters :D

Helena said...

Oh Stardust, I used to bend and tremble and not be able to defend myself, let alone anyone else! But since mum has needed me a strength has come to the fore that sometimes surprises even me. I have been in situations, for example when I had to really fight to get care for her in hospital, and I was so forceful, so assertive, but it was like listening to someone else speaking, not me, not me at all. I don't know where it came from, it was like something in my head had turned a page.

So it will be, I bet, with breadcrumb; once you have someone to defend, your strength comes.

And stop blaming yourself for things that go wrong, and calling yourself bad words! Words are powerful! Tell yourself good words and build yourself up! Soon a page will turn and you will start a brand new chapter, as a mother. How amazing!