02 June 2011
Breadcrumbs is 36 weeks today.
He weighed 2506 grams yesterday while an average should read 2622 grams. Yes I know, he is like an insignificant 5% lighter, but did I mention he used to be 2 weeks heavier all along until a fortnight ago? I've finally understood why some moms are upset over their 'smaller' kid, while I thought their worry is unfounded if the child is totally healthy. I think I'm getting it now.
But I wouldn't use the word on Breadcrumbs - small. For he could be smaller than how the scanner has measured him. He could be even smaller than the rightful figures by the time he arrives. But so what if he's small. His size doesn't represent what I am capable of or what's short of me. It's pointless to judge. You have no idea how big he is to me.
If there should be anyone small, it's me. It's the weakling in me who cowers at the slightest threat, surrenders to pressure, recoils at hindrance, and owns mistakes which are not mine. When things go bad, I'll look just as bad, because I'm the one bad. I get the biggest slice of blame for everything, it's so easy to associate me with every shit that happens. Because I will never talk back, and you can spin whatever stories behind and you think nobody will know.
Yes. I'm small. Because you've damned me this small. I'm 36, but I'm terrorised like a 5 year old over and over again. Quite simply, am I not nurtured this mentally small and weak, so that you can play big and powerful.
But a closure will come. Those baggages you've fastened on my soul, God will break the hot shackles and help me move on. If there's really a thing like a curse, let it end with me, for I think I've paid and pained enough. With the birth of my own child, I want a rebirth within myself. I want to and I will find my own footing in parenthood. It may be a formula unbeknownst to me, but you can dream on if you think I'll be left to use excruciation that you've been excercising on me so conveniently. My child doesn't deserve it. In the first place, nobody deserves it.
I want to defy the word 'small'. Or I'd like to show you that the microscopic me can make it to the shore that you've been detering me from, because you've never made it there yourself. Make me small, YES! you can shatter my legs but you can never break me. Like it or not, I will grow bigger, stronger, for my child. It will never be like what's between us.