18 February 2009

A missing piece

I have very faint memories of the recent trip to Singapore, apart from one : a boy bawling in a rowdy bookstore, seemingly lost. The mother hurried his way to calm the child and reassured him in loud affirmation, 'I will never leave you.'

Her promise resounded in my ears relentlessly. It stirred an enormous guilt in me, cos I've left what I considered precious, unattended in the cold. I could never be more foolish.

If you've read about what happened to Phal Kun, I'm most sad to tell you that he's gone.

For several days I've been trying to revive my baby. I've lost sleep, my stomach too busy tying knots to eat, but nothing helped bring ailing Phal Kun back to life.

I'll be lying if I claim that I'm ok. I deserve it. I miss him, the missing piece that makes the picture complete. I was tempted to brag, how he bloomed generously for more than 6 months, still bearing buds when I last bid him goodbye. And now he's here no more, with myself all ready to condemn, in sheer shame, regret, and bitterness. I've never hated myself more.

Just when I dived deep into self-loathing, God quietly prepared me for what was inevitable, and showed me other facets of life that hit me hard. I lost my Orchid to winter, it's a law of nature that God dictates. I earned my misery by a sorry mistake, while many others didn't. Those who've lost their lives, loved ones, poperties in forest fire, or other tragedies across the world. A plenty more in genuine pain, utter loss, or flatly underprivileged.

So I dried my tears, count my loss a lesson. Stop my wimps and remember that God is good! Life is good, unless I decide it's never! The experience shall surely grow me greener fingers, and groom me into a finer care-giver. I can always reap heaps of joy again!


Having said that... Deep in the backyard, honestly, I know that can never forget Phal Kun and how he has colored my days. Sniff. I thank the Lord for those times that I've been blessed with him.

I take the chance to thank all who've cared, prayed and offered a line of comfort. Spider Robinson said it well, shared pain is lessened, shared joy, increased. I should be ready to look for a new Orchid plant sometime later, and find the missing piece that will complete my joy again.

*He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awesome grace of God. Aeschylus

*When you lose, don't lose the lesson. Dalai Lama


sharilyn said...

wow! he was sure beautiful! i'm so glad he brought you such joy while you had the delight of his presence in your days!

i am glad to hear that, in the midst of your sadness over his passing, you have been able to hear the voice of your true Beloved...He Who cares about your heart more than anything! i think you are very correct in that you lost Phal to the season... things just happen like that sometimes, no matter how hard we try to fix them. God does not want us to lose ourselves or sight of His great gifts by being consumed with guilt or self-condemnation, no matter how much we may feel that we "deserve" the suffering. He is truly good. and, He loves you much, my friend!

take heart...take courage...take Him at His word... taste and see what good He has in store for you now that your hand is empty and open...

J.H said...

I am sorry to hear that. May God comfort you. I believe one day, you can recount the sweet memory of your beautiful Phal Kun.

Michele said...

I can only imagine the pain you must be going through.

stay-at-home mum said...

Dont be too hard on yourself over the loss. God does things in mysterious ways. Maybe there is something that will come out of all this.

But Phal Kun was really beautiful!!

B.T.Bear (esq.) said...

Phal Kun was sumthing very speshol. Maybe he haz gon now so yu can hav room for sumthing else speshol. He haz gon so it can be sumwun else's tern. It must be very nice to be speshol to yu :@}

umekotyan said...

きっと、Phal Kunが悲しむわ。


from loved ume tyan

bp said...

*BP sayang Stardust* and tho' i can't pop by as often as i like, you are always in my thots, my friend!

Ladybird said...

Phal Kun was truly beautiful!