17 November 2009
I don't expect many to apprehend, what some would call a 'granny behaviour' - I've always looked after my things with great affection, especially those that have been around for a long time.
Others suggest that a meagre ownership nurtures a cherishing nature, there's probably more than this truth to it. As a child, whenever bullied, wronged or misunderstood, I'd fire pages of emotions away with a pen, weep in blankee, or talk to a plush toy. Instead of seeking understanding from people, I would rather find reliance in things, for they have never let me down. I guess if not for them, I would have grown up a very pent-up man.
Growing up, I've made some truly good friends... Along came Christ and I've found the compass for this rambling vessel. I've found true love too; and new truth to relationships. I've relatively opened up and learnt to trust flesh to plastic.
But the affection for things has been long since instilled, and to part away from them feels like transquillizer refused. It's an emo strain everytime a change takes place. I have to deal with it quietly for not many understand what's battling at that dark corner... How could they? When they have never felt a need for things in the first place?
It's been so long, lonesome, and self-helped, until Sunday.
Pastor asked the kids if they've been secretly hiding treasures, crying over spoiled playthings, and if the big ones like us are worrying over possessions...
Upon hearing this, my insides screamed 'HELP!'.
HELP! It's not wealth or gains I lust over, I merely want to keep my things! MY THINGS!
The message continued. ' Everything we have on earth, has never been ours. They're borrowed. The air borrowed, earth borrowed, our body borrowed, this life borrowed, this breath borrowed. Talent borrowed, beauty borrowed, power borrowed. They have never been ours from the begining, they are entirely borrowed by the deep grace of God. '
Borrowed. The word broke all chains and broke me.
My so-called 'things' have never been mine, they are borrowed from God to stand periods of test. Borrowed as comforters, pleasures, life-sustainers, borrowed at no strings attached. I've been taught never to borrow or impose on others, while I've been borrowing from God a lifetime, and mistook His things for mine. While some, like Pastor said, are busy showing off what they've borrowed, I am foolishly grieving when I have to part with what's borrowed. Suddenly, the skies cleared up as I see this brand new, but long-existing grace : all this time, God has been lending without me asking... And when He takes them away, it is when He decides I've outgrown the need of it, or time to lend me something new.
What amazing grace! This life, a salvation, and the plenty borrowed!
Knowing the truth is just the begining. While I'm happily borrowing from God, I have to learn that there are times to return to the Owner. Not just things, my loved ones, those I care about, they're just as 'borrowed', and need some respectful handling. You don't misuse what's borrowed, you can't abuse those borrowed too. The heavy message wrapped up light... I've realised borrowing is lighter than clinging onto the staff with my bundles dangling from below me. Just when I thought I'm about to lose the grip again, His hand caught me timely; as always.
Thank you Father, for all these years of gracious loving, and for everything, everyone I've borrowed, I'm borrowing and going to. And also, this joy of borrowing.
Though this may sound absurd to many, I'm blessed knowing that much has never been mine, but they're bestowed or lent to me anyway.