Rounding up May

Friends who have been here long enough know that May is a very special month for us.

8 years

We had our bronze wedding anniversary 1st May, though we didn't arrive at the day like how people thought we would, in fact, the past year is one we've been most tested.  Some said the 3rd person triggered it all - the innocent baby.  I think it's more like we had our honeymoon 7 years too long, and mature too little. But it's ok.  We'll grow, alongside with the baby.

37 years old

I've turned 3 years shy of Chapter 40, though I feel like 25, reason like 28, move like 39 and look like 44. My birthday wish is being pain-free forevermore.   Last year was a tough one for me.  To name the majors : I went through 22 hours of contraction.  Endured 3 months of painfully damaged tendon.  Had a surgery on my left wrist and still working on the stiffness.  3 days before my birthday, I fell and fractured the forefinger on the right, which should take another month to heal.  Rejoice with me, for I guess my mid-life crisis is over!!.  I'm so looking forward to my wholesome self again.

Children's Day

5th May is Children's Day in Japan.  The cub had his many firsts.  First balloon, first snack gift, first origami paper.  Being a parent is great!  I felt like a child again when receiving the goodies on his behalf.

And our spirits soared as we raised the carp streamer at home to celebrate the day the traditional way.

Bear's birthday

I wish I could make his favorite dishes like I always did, but not with my finger swollen like a smooth sausage. He can have my finger.  

Mother's Day

I never thought Mother's Day could become a special day for myself.

For the longest time I couldn't understand why I should be born a girl and all that bitterness just ate me alive.  But now, I've finally reconciled with myself.  I'm a brand new person with a purpose and a vision.  Being a woman finally feels wonderful, I wouldn't have known this self worth until I have my child.

Mothers are thanked on this day.  But really, I think I have my baby to thank for giving me such a great start in life.  Wow.

11 months

In Japan, babies under one are considered 零才 : zero years old.  How cute is that?  Sadly, this is the final month my cub stays 零才. Why should time pass so quickly when babies are so so cute.

And why should beautiful May be over so quickly. 

May I never forget that it was God's grace that made everything beautiful. :)

Wait up...

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Look at him, my cub turning 9 months in 4 days.




Everyday I wake up to see my baby taller, bigger. There's this increasing intelligence in his eyes, sometimes I'm just incapable of fooling him anymore.



I'm forever guilty of the fact that I'm always trying to settle him somewhere safe rather than allowing him explore, as my bad wrists might not be fast enough to save him. I've never helped him like how my peers do their part as wonderful parents, but Mother nature is kind, the cub figured out much by himself. His 8th month is one of growth spurt, he sits up on his own, kneels as he pushes wheels around, pulls himself up to a standing position at the sofa and flashes big satisfactory smiles while doing so.



Hours ago I discovered his milk teeth cutting through the upper bed and they just punctured my heart. In days to come the little one will flash me two brand new milkies and continues meeting new milestones...





Though there's no greater joy seeing you growing up healthy and happy, darling I really miss you as the fresh newborn whom we've just brought back home. Baby I really do.

*****

I pinch myself to check if I'm still alive when a freshman mom, and another one, and one more! tell that they don't know how to carry on, while they have the support of their mother, mother-in-law, siblings, maid and friends. Erm, I can and can't relate to that. You know sometimes there's this faint wish of I know what 'support' is like.



Forget what I said.



But I really know that God is good, for the wonderful baby in my arms, but that doesn't mean things have been simple in other respects. For the past months, I've been so choked up in much matters that distract me from the cub, I guess that's why I end up 'missing' him all the time, especially after he has gone to bed. And suddenly the baby is so grown before I have enough of him. I wish that the energy meant for my baby hasn't been wasted on other stupid issues...



But I think the peak is over, it's time I start to breathe.



Wait up boy, wait up. Mommy is coming, and I hope that I'll miss out the joy of having you no more.

3.11

A year ago at 14:46 hours, an earthquake of magnitude 9 shook northeast Japan and raised the highest tsunami the country knew ever, robbed over 10 thousand lives mercilessly. To this day, 0ver 3000 people remain missing, 36 thousand nationals are forced to depart from their hometown due to environmental damage, or radiation exposure from the nuclear plants.



Words aren't good enough to describe my thoughts over 3.11. When the waves are unleashed that fateful hour, a lady could be in the process of labor. Somebody was bringing a newborn home. A couple was having a wedding. There were birthday party preparations. A child was praised. A patient healed. Anyone could be having another ordinary day... Nobody escaped, even the fleeing vehicles were consumed in an enormous current.



Why? Why the tsunami? Why them? Why anyone actually.



A year may have passed, but much remains acutely painful. Our hearts go out to those who have lost their loved ones, property, or literally everything.



A lunch is especially arranged today within the family. We gathered to remember the deceased, and the unfortunate ones. Also to remind ourselves to cherish whatever time left cos our days are numbered too.

The Invisible Mother

A friend shared this beautiful written piece which I feel an urge to share with not necessarily 'invisible mothers', but anyone out there who feels invisible or less appreciated. Read on and be blessed.

The Invisible Mother ...

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! 'Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock? Where's my phone?, What's for dinner?'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature --but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well.

It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe.I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read --- no, devour the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.

2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it ' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does'.

'No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last- minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand- bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there ....'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.

Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know ... I just did.

The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

To all the wonderful mothers out there!!

May God give you:

For every storm, a rainbow,

For every tear, a smile,

For every care, a promise,

And a blessing in each trial.

For every problem life sends, A faithful friend to share,

For every sigh, a sweet song,

And an answer for each prayer.

A better friend

With much happening of late, it makes me wishing from inside that I have been a better friend. A friend who sends that promised mail, checks up the troubled pal, says the needful prayer.


It's not about being popular or building a presence. Something simple as being there for someone, like many others who have stood by me even before I asked them to.

*****

My blogger friend lost her darling Airedale Maggie today. It feels like I've lost a friend too. I haven't been able to check up on them lately, so the sad news just hit me somewhat hard and sudden.


I hope I do not miss caring for another friend again. For a change I hope I'll grow to be a better giver than just a receiver.


Thank you for sharing the marvel of your life there Maggie, you'll be missed. My deepest thoughts with you Sue.

Where are you?

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I don't know how time passes so quickly ever since my return from Singapore...


I'm pretty pleased with how I'm clearing stuffs even before my wrist is healed to a comfortable stage. Sadly, it's a reality too that there are aspects left to neglect.


Like the blog... You know, the cub is the one and only I may ever have my lifetime. So for every milestone reached or wonder he showed me, I've made mental notes to post them but failed to do so.


I've received presents and cards sent by kind folks all the way from Singapore, England, Taiwan and Australia, but I haven't take time to thank one by one though I wish I've done so. Why haven't I? Really!!!


Maybe I need an hour, just an hour that allows me to catch some sleep, finish the chores, catch up with friends, clear my mailbox. But where do I find that hour? I'm interupted 3 times when writting this.


If money can't buy me time, fine. How about some human-use battery? The kind that makes one go on and on and on like the Energiser Bunny.


Something very undesirable happened... I think I may have lost one, or even more miserably; two long time friends... Friends for almost 20 years. Just like that. With a snap of the finger. Boom! She's gone.


I swear I do not know the reason behind her vanishing without a word, and for the first few hours I was worried if something has happened to her. But you know, a cold shoulder isn't too hard to detect, the chill reaches me despite the distance.


It's not like we had a fight or anything close, our last words were we're dying to meet each other. It's not like someone bitched behind me and things got marred. It's not about a broken promise, a lie, or betrayal. A little voice tells me that I'll never know the reason my lifetime.


But I respect her decision to throw our 20 years away though it hurts with every heartbeat. I admit that I couldn't even make time to poke her. Maybe she felt neglected. Maybe...


Where you are, A? Give me a word, I just want to know that you're alright, nothing else matters. I won't even ask why. :(

*****

I'd like to leave a word for all blogger friends who are staying around with your encouragement. Things are inevitably tight for an imperfect person who's trying to put things right... You know I'll come back to you.

Home for Christmas

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Greetings! From Japan.


We actually flew back home a week ago, for reasons better forgotten, but our bags packed with toys and hearts full of joy. We're reunited with papa for this very special year end, our first Christmas, and first New Year together.


So all is good, and God is good for bringing us back so that we could celebrate the little guy who is another 6 months to a year old!


The cub was the apple of so many eyes then... my family, friends and even strangers. I was a proud mama throughout my stay in Singapore, my trophy, medal and prize lie in him. I've probably finally understood why people love to have kids?





At 5 months, the playful one was rolling over like a pro. I knew it, he looooves attention and is a big show off. He teased my family so much that everybody hurried home to catch their superstar. My brother must forgive me for posting this, know how much the cub liked it high on his uncle's shoulders. They are just too cute together!


I was most touched when my outrageously playful one was good throughout both flights, and even having passengers who couldn't resist him coming over to play. My eyes warmed when an Irish old lady praised and blessed him, these very warm-hearted people were too kind to an almost crippled mom struggling with a infant on the 7 hours flight.






I know you feel me when I say I'm thanking God for keeping the good spirits in my boy throughout those hours. :)






Someone may be right about me thinking too much for my little one is constantly in a good mood. True, but Mr. Sunshine has his Achilles' heel too. See what I mean.













And he means it.


Now into 6 months, I think I'm going grey if he's not going to love his semi-solids soon. HE~LP!!

*****

It's Christmas tomorrow, the birthday of our Savior, who came just as helpless as any babe in the world. As I carressed my little one and ponder upon the many miracles and blessings in my life... who am I, to have Him come and give... I can't really put into words, but the story of Nativity just touches me anew, again.


Blessed Christmas everyone, wherever you are, know that His blessings have never left you. May the beautiful spirit of Christmas fills your heart and home.

Mothers

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My sweetest little thing has turned 4 months today. :)



Every morning, I will breathe from behind his ear deeply, and hoping that I'll smell like him. I tap happiness from my darling my waking hours, it's soley him I see in our photos. There's a new self worth when I know how much my voice can calm my angel. The inner child in me holds his hand, we'll go to moon and return with a star together. I've never known a bigger motivation, hope and purpose.



Did I mention I'm a mom of 4 months already? I'm a newborn, a born again, a new being called 'mom'? Poke me, I'll ooze love.


But soon after I've typed all these from top of the world, I'm feeling everything else a mom doesn't want to know.



Especially after reading Fiesty Princess Charmaine.



The Dragon Mom.



Poor Yue Yue.



The missing 2 year old girl in Japan.



It's scary. You thought you're now an invincible new creation, but you're so wrong. A mom doesn't run the world for her own, but for the little ones she gives life to whose destinies she has no control over. She protects, defends, prays and hopes to her last breath.



Moms. You may not know them, but you connect with them all across the world. You'll shed tears for a stranger mom, and get on your knees for a suffering one. You even feel for your worst enemy, and bless her children. And humble yourself before God with hope that you'll never be tested.



It's all too bold for the gentler gender. And because I'm convinced not every woman has motherly instincts, I've been avoiding the issue my married years.



But now, let me embrace this complicated, delicate, vulnerable role. No regrets.



God, please bless the mothers and their children.



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For all we know

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Over the past months some of my friends were lost and found thanks to FB.


I'm especially moved when 'reunited' with bad boy A. The heavy smoker with his playboy magazines who even bullied me a little, he's a born again now. An occupational therapist who helps the visually challenged, an image distant from his past.


And my secondary school friends who shared those bitter-sweet-bitter teenage years, we weren't kids raised in homes that taught stars could be reached. Disillusioned, none of us could see where we would be in 10 years. I guess most of us wished for lots and lots of luck when we graduated.


When 20 years have passed,


*Poor K who never seemed to do anything right, is now an associate director at a property firm.

*Shortskirt X travels the globe as an executive secretary.

*Gangsta A runs his own business with close connections at Dubai.

*Nerdy N a systems analyst.

*Shorty B makes his name in dance sports and belongs to a dance company.

*XY, E and F are raising 4, 5 and 6 children respectively.

*Soft V teaches at our very school.


Most had a taste of setbacks, but look how far they've come. I can't help feeling happy for everyone of them.



Bear let me down when my pot of greenie perished in summer. He thought I was trying to protest by letting it sit there, truth is I was hoping for a miracle though it seriously looked dying.



Then in the middle of all busyness, I forgot about why I didn't do away with it.










Until 2 months later, its promising green reminds me again of what I was waiting for.


And I'm reminded too, that even though sometimes things just never went my way, life just gets better.


It's a sweeter tomorrow. For all we know. :)

Baby Dedication 28th August 2011

And so one dearest prayer answered.


My very own baby in a white lacey christening gown.





Everytime a newborn don in purity white shows up before me, I'm filled with awe and envy to tears. For every gift that blessed friends' babies, I prayed that the Lord would bless us too.


And here comes my angel finally. See him beaming and all dressed up in finest cotton.







He was good throughout the dedication, asleep to be exact, so he had no idea how mommy was moved to tears during prayer, no more envy for reason this time.


To raise the child with Lord's wisdom and strength is all on our mind now, that he'll be a blessing to all around him. Alongside, may we grow as parents responsible for the cub's being, that we may be answerable for this marvellous gift entrusted to us... :)


Also, the family clan thing went good.


Apparently, Baby Bear is the only hope that carries on the family name, all the other relatives are having girls and have passed reproductive age. Everybody can't be more pleased with the new addition to family 'O'.


We're blessed.


Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. Psalm 127 :3


Thanking all for the kind encouragement earlier, we shall take on each outdoor as it comes.

And the challenges continue...

The cub is a happy baby at home.


I mean, at home.


When the main door is closed behind us, he starts getting antsy. Then mom gets antsy, and dad joins in.


It isn't too hard to understand what tremendous stress the outdoor imposes on a baby out from the womb for mere weeks. Everything at once is just too much!


Do you know, even the mom isn't the most outdoor person in the world and fidgets at meeting new people!


But we can't stay at home forever. :/ This weekend is going to be especially challenging.



Baby Bear will be formally introduced to the family clan on the 27th. We have relativesssss travelling from different parts of Japan just to meet and bless the child. All these people I don't know, but I must pretend that I still do because I've met them once years ago. There'll be endless exchange of formalities, bowing, and cordial conversation from one cluster to another, I just hope I won't forget which one I'm done with. It will be a very mentally exhausting experience and if I'm not careful, I may end up embarrassing my husband. I don't wish for tongues wagging at his behind, ' This is how things will be like when you get yourself a foreign wife.'


I can only imagine the clanking of glasses, loud excited folks who want to tell how much they are happy for us, karaoke and merry-making... and how uncomfortable Baby Bear will be.


Then on the 28th, he'll be making his debut at church for a baby dedication. I'm excited on this one! And I'm hoping that the cub doesn't cry his lungs out on what's meant to be a very dear memory of my lifetime. The child at the previous dedication obviously didn't like the microphone.



Darling, I know you must be trying so much harder than I do and I better not buckle under nothing yet! Come what may, we'll ride it out. Just try not to turn into a dipped nugget on these days ok?

Box of chocolates

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It's been quite a while that I don't know what day it is since my new role has begun, time has never slipped by so quickly! I often watch the cub with a shade of disbelief, is he what's packed in my tummy back then!?!?






And he's growing so fast!!




At 2 weeks, his eyelashes lengthens and curls. He watches the laundry drying indoor with curiosity.


By 4th week, he gets a 1000 grams heavier, forsaking his newborn size diaper. He has developed a signature temperament, loves mama's milk, bath and cuddles. His need for attention is increasing, and keeps a lookout for the laundry everyday.


At 5th, he smiles a great deal. He starts cooing to himself, and his favorite laundry.



Need I say more? ;)

*****

For folks who would like to hear about the labor - box of chocolates, you'll never know what you're gonna get. I had pads placed around the house just in case, you know what I mean. But the waterbag broke less than an hour before delivery, with assistance by a midwife.



22nd June was a summer solstice, more like the longest day in my life. The pain was encompassing, the fractured tailbone swinging behind for years had to add to it. Hospital clocked the contractions 18 hours and 8 minutes, which explains all that sweat. I'm certainly no tough cookie, but I didn't scream or hissed a single harsh word at my husband. I've probably shredded the bedsheet and uttered 4 or 5 long painful groans though... It took 20 minutes or so to push my lovey out, without assistance of devices.



Uh huh, sounds creamy smooth doesn't it? At a phase, my younger years actually flashed before me. Random images of people in my life, happy times and gruesome ones of Jesus bleeding in pain. In between hallucination and contractions, I couldn't make out anything when the midwives ranted their instructions, I probably could pass out. But some kind souls must have thought of me, I started seeing friends who care and pray, while sober bitterness returned. It was indescribably hard.




Tears flowed as soon as my cub showed up. Seriously, I thought I wouldn't cry, but he was just too beautiful. The instinct that I was worried about not having, kicked in very quickly. :)




There. My box of chocolates, bravest of me. But really, that's not all about it. Again, it's God's grace, His faithfulness that carried me.

満月的宝宝

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Baby Bear is a month old today. :)



If we're in Singapore, the kid will have a special '1st month' birthday bash like any other newborns, lavished with gifts from relatives and friends. It will be a hassle-brimmed affair, but a special privilege for dad and mom to offer traditional cakes to folks rejoicing with us. Home must be packed with people partying over the lil prince. The fella passed around from arms to arms, with cheeks pinched or rouged red.




But not a shred of that is happening here. 1st month celebration is not a practise known to Japan.



It's a tranquil first month, a little too quiet for a Chinese mother with her first newborn. Too quiet for my liking.



Regardless of what oughts we're missing out in this place, Baby Bear is special, though he may be less celebrated. Happy 満月 my darling.



Special thanks to BP & Val for sharing our joy.

A new addition

Dear friends, we have a new addition to the family!




Who would have guessed this 333rd post will be one to announce that I've given birth to a 3330 grams healthy baby boy on 22nd June.





I'm still adjusting to things, and taking time to find my momentum now with a lil one on the balance. Hopefully, I'll be hopping by your place soon!




Here's my punk making a scene after being born less than an hour. Now don't be too taken aback by his bawling , he's really quite an angel. ;)

Blooming this June

We're basking in a comfortable June with a mild monsoon, that rains an amount just alright for the greenery outside without having me to water the fellas. :)


Come see the Japanese Snowbell, definitely my fav tree at home. :D Dainty soft pink bells are exactly how I've hoped they're like, and the blooms have lasted for the past 12 days.






It's such a delight to watch by day, and quite another glamorous sight by night when the tree is lit up.






And meet my first pot of French rose, I just adore the color and fragrance! Now I'm just hoping to keep it well and alive for it is my first rose from Bear, and I wouldn't want it to perish like the first Hydrangea pot from my darling!









Greenery sedates me anytime!


And it's one of the many I thank the Lord for ~ this comfy season I'm in for my present stage, the perfect timing of everything. Nothing's weighing on me now though I am weighing the heaviest all my life. It's the lightness of the spirit that makes me feel like a dove. I'm just thankful for all who cares about us.


I'm sorta laying back and waiting around for things to happen anytime now. The bag is ready to grab and go, and I'm having an inner peace inside though I'm obviously a ticking bomb. A lil peculiar here... my tummy is getting increasingly heavier and bigger over the past week at a rate I've never felt before. Could Breadcrumbs be having a growth spurt?



I don't know but the 2908 grams fella at 38 weeks was really good at amusing us with a scan yesterday. He had a finger inserted into his right nostril, rubbed his eye with a fist, and his lips were moving like a goldfish.


And, he smiled again. :)







Dr had his side view features lined for a clearer picture. Now Breadcrumbs is getting us confused - how is that he resembles me more at the front view, but looking more like Bear from the side? Hmm... Well, we'll find out in a while! :D

At 37 weeks

Poor mother elephant. It takes about 22 months for an unborn elephant to mature to birth. The shark known as the spiny dogfish has a pregnancy duration of 22-24 months. And at elevations above 4600 feet, the Alpine salamander endures a gestational period of up to 38 months!



Most of my lady friends claim that they can't wait to give birth as soon as they're reaching full term. I'm guessing some may call me a hypocrite if I say I don't, mostly because I'm not feeling particularly uncomfortable at this supposedly heaviest stage.



Breadcrumbs is considered full term today! But I'm choked with emotions when I realise that my kangeroo role is completing anytime soon. No doubt we're anticipating how the fella shall amaze us at birth, and reveals if he has curls like Bear's as I'm hoping, or my eyes like Bear is wishing...



I'm going to miss every single movement Breadcrumbs makes. His kicks, scratches, somersaults and pitiful hiccups. It's a private, secretive intimacy that only the mother and child shares. I remember having a hard time stifling a laugh when he bobbed like crazy while I was trying to pay attention to a stern doc. During the period when I had to be screwed again and again, little Breadcrumbs gave the most timely nudges as if to console me, 'Mommy, be strong!'. Until when I'm finally able to catch him under my thinner layer of clothes, when he moves, he moves my heart.



This experience is surely one of the most joyful in my life I'll remember. For now, I'm cherishing every single tap until the day Breadcrumbs makes his appearance.





And I know life will keep on amazing us. This day next year, I'll get to admire the Japanese snowbells outside with the fella in my arms.

Sprint

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Giving our full throttle towards the finishing line, while moving into monsoon and juggling with Bear's still hectic working days... We're trying to make our twosome moments count as we count down to baby's arrival which can happen anytime now!



It's a mish mash of feelings. You know the honeymoon is going to be over but a greater adventure awaits at the other end of the bridge.













We've started sleeping in the guest room from last week to avoid using the stairs as much as possible. Which is good unless one likes the bed like how I love mine too too much! I can't sleep very well on mattress and getting up from ground level tatami spins my head like crazy. Guess I'll have to put up with it for several weeks until the confinement is over.



We're finally done with some last couple shots over the weekend! We're so glad we did loosen up a bit, and had some intakes of the balmy early summer since we don't know when we can take off like that again...




I will surely miss the breezy drives with hubby and sitting by rivers, listening to birds or enjoying a cuppa in cafe. I know I shouldn't talk like it's a life sentence I'm serving soon, but there has never been a void even there were just us two. And I'm just so thankful that we've taken enough time...



Anyway, we've discovered a potentially great fishing hangout which we will revisit again when the cub is ready to fish with Papa Bear!










And the fellas may get to meet their cousins because the place is inhabitated by real wild ones!


















LOOK! Could this be left by one of their relatives?







This bear says : I wish you'll understand more about me ( so that I won't end up having to bite your butt! ) :P





















But let me worry about the boys' fishing business later for my present concern is to eat without reservations for the sake of Breadcrumbs. And since I don't see us eating out often in future with the little one tagging along, I do kinda eat like a convict waiting to serve her life sentence soon... :P

A name

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We've almost got everything ready for the arrival of Breadcrumbs, except one.



A name.



A name that reverberates to our hearts fondly, and we'll always remember to call with affection and a smile. That insunates values, encourages a fine character, a name the child will be proud of having...



We're still waiting to be inspired. Maybe, we should wait until we meet Breadcrumbs. Maybe that's when.




Meanwhile, do pray for us that we'll be led by the spirit. :)

Small

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Breadcrumbs is 36 weeks today.




He weighed 2506 grams yesterday while an average should read 2622 grams. Yes I know, he is like an insignificant 5% lighter, but did I mention he used to be 2 weeks heavier all along until a fortnight ago? I've finally understood why some moms are upset over their 'smaller' kid, while I thought their worry is unfounded if the child is totally healthy. I think I'm getting it now.



But I wouldn't use the word on Breadcrumbs - small. For he could be smaller than how the scanner has measured him. He could be even smaller than the rightful figures by the time he arrives. But so what if he's small. His size doesn't represent what I am capable of or what's short of me. It's pointless to judge. You have no idea how big he is to me.



If there should be anyone small, it's me. It's the weakling in me who cowers at the slightest threat, surrenders to pressure, recoils at hindrance, and owns mistakes which are not mine. When things go bad, I'll look just as bad, because I'm the one bad. I get the biggest slice of blame for everything, it's so easy to associate me with every shit that happens. Because I will never talk back, and you can spin whatever stories behind and you think nobody will know.




Yes. I'm small. Because you've damned me this small. I'm 36, but I'm terrorised like a 5 year old over and over again. Quite simply, am I not nurtured this mentally small and weak, so that you can play big and powerful.




But a closure will come. Those baggages you've fastened on my soul, God will break the hot shackles and help me move on. If there's really a thing like a curse, let it end with me, for I think I've paid and pained enough. With the birth of my own child, I want a rebirth within myself. I want to and I will find my own footing in parenthood. It may be a formula unbeknownst to me, but you can dream on if you think I'll be left to use excruciation that you've been excercising on me so conveniently. My child doesn't deserve it. In the first place, nobody deserves it.




I want to defy the word 'small'. Or I'd like to show you that the microscopic me can make it to the shore that you've been detering me from, because you've never made it there yourself. Make me small, YES! you can shatter my legs but you can never break me. Like it or not, I will grow bigger, stronger, for my child. It will never be like what's between us.

Beautiful May

Counting down to the last minutes of May 2011, but hmm... it's not happening - the arrival of Breadcrumbs.


The fella is due a month later alright but you know how some first-timers and older moms have their present arrived earlier! So whenever spasms of Braxton Hicks contractions or subtle cramps happen, my heart is sent racing mad fast!! Is it the real thing? Now??


But nope. Looks like Breadcrumbs is still having a good time incubating snug within mommy.


It's alright. May is special enough and I think it's good we don't have all three birthday cakes in same month. :P


Papa Bear says we must fly the fella fishes in the air to celebrate Boy's Day ( or Children's Day ) next May.









I hope it'll put a big smile on Breadcrumbs.



Take your time darling, take your time. And I'm sure God will put you in my arms at the perfect timing. :) Meanwhile, mommy is cherishing every single moment having you so close within me.


This May has been one of the most beautiful.