One

To my baby who have turned one,

I knew I'd love you when I found out about you.  

During the earlier half of pregnancy, on bad days I would vomit up to 18 times in bile, blood and tears.  It was hard but when I felt you fluttering by 13 weeks, baby you got me going on.

I loved the feeling of having you within me so much, I kept telling people I'd like to be pregnant for a little longer.

To have you means I went through labor, what meant lake of fire, gnashes and teeth to me from the age I understood women are designed to give life.  God is good, He was there all the time but know that I chose to go through hell just to have you. Epidural free.

I didn't cry, scream or utter a single complaint not because I was strong, but the thought of you going through the trauma of birth had me cast into iron.

I will never forget the way you looked first time I laid eyes on you.  Your twinkling bright eyes, cherry red chips... everywhere rounded and translucent pink.  You were so blindingly beautiful.

I admit that I was scared when we took you home, as I've heard too much stories of ladies who couldn't handle their babies.  Have you learned that from the start?  Is that why you've been kind to us all along?

I didn't get Tendonitis because of you.  But I must thank you for making it worse so that I could get it fixed for the rest of my lifetime.  God had the healing paved that way.

I've lost count of how times I've been hurt latching you, but nursing makes me feel beautiful. Forgive me though for always looking away cos whenever our eyes lock, you'll unlatch yourself, grin and start pouring milk out from your lips.  Your innocent milky grin. 

Thank you for weaning off the 5a.m. feed by yourself at 8 months.  Mommy was determined never to let you cry it out though I would love to sleep through the night like anybody else.

I miss you in this winter coat

I recall nursing you during those wintery nights, your poor ice cold hands.  I enclosed one within my fist while you cutely placed the other on the boob for warmth.  It was the sight that urged the let-down reflex and we started looking like 2 red hot bodies glowing in the dark.

I miss you in your winter coat.  You, a meatloaf in that fuzzy coat with 2 cute ears, were eye-catching wherever we went.

Because of you, this crazy picture with the background mess I can't be proud of, makes me smile. 

Find your lovey here.  It's pink.

It's ok to have a lovey or two, take my blankee too.  Thank you for making me the queen of your heart, for now.

Keep coming over to our bed in the morning morning and sleep all over us or fart in our faces.  I love the feel on your feet on my face.  But sleep baby, please sleep and we'll play later.

I thanked papa today, for all that he's done.  I realize that I've been thanking everybody around me except him.  He's the man who shared the seed and fathers my precious.  I can't imagine if you would look this perfect if I have you with another guy.

Know that I love papa very much too.

 

 Though there were times that were undeniably tough, I'll go through everything again just to have you.

For I love you.  And I love you so much, it hurts.

 Even on days you were less an angel, I loved you no less.

Mommy is a happy person now, not that one I used to know.   I can smile like a fool at the lyrics of 'What a wonderful world'  I wonder if I've really lived before I met you.

 

Thank you for being my child, the biggest miracle of my life.  Stay healthy, happy.  Stay you.  Keep surprising me and teaching me faith.

And never forget we didn't connect by chance.  It's a string of work and plans with great intent by God our Creator, the Giver of all good things.




Lord I've done nothing to deserve such great blessing, one that surpasses my dream.  But bless me no less from here, help me raise this child for Your glory, and keep him in Your enormous grace.  Amen.

Baby... and unagi

'You are 2cm dilated.' I was told.  The contractions came on slow and mild, and so I wasn't quite convinced that the baby is arriving.  I requested for discharge, because I needed to have my last fill of unagi, my favorite Japanese food.  It had better be the top course on the menu for the delivery would demand all the stamina I guess. 

We left at 4p.m. and shortly after I regretted leaving because the contractions started to hurt.  But I put up with it, as Bear would be very mad at me. ' I told you not to leave! ' he would say. :(  More importantly, I wanted my last decent meal for God knows when would I get to eat out without a care again.  Besides, did I mention that unagi provides stamina?

By 10p.m., the frequency was like every 10 minutes and hurt like real.  I started filming my tummy, how the baby would extend a fist or foot or elbow, wherever.  I urged Bear to sleep cos I would need his full support the next day, the contractions were too disturbing so I lied about a program I didn't want to miss.

By this hour at 12.48a.m. , I was already breaking out in cold sweat.  That night was chilly like how it is now.   I was still hanging on stubbornly, so that Bear wouldn't have a chance to lecture me on risking lives for unagi.

About 2a.m., Bear woke up to find me looking pale and limbs cold.  So he decided it's time.  It was a very foggy night, the drive felt like an eternity as Bear wasn't speeding.  For the first time on expressway, he didn't.

We reached at 3a.m.  Not knowing that the contractions would escalate a hundredfold hours later, I asked Bear if he could fetch me an unagi lunchbox by takeout.  Then the nurse came in to put me on a disappointing drip.

I have the baby to thank actually.  I had unagi almost every week once the morning sickness subsided.   After delivery, we were gifted with unagi from relatives.   Bear bought them several times to help my nutrition.  The family clan's celebration was held with an elaborated unagi course cuisine.  I have probably had the amount of unagi some Japanese had their entire lifetime, in a matter of months.

I'm glad that I've had enough of unagi before its price has shot up painfully high starting months ago.  Do you know how much an unagi meal would cost you these days?  Almost tripled the price I last had it!  A word of advice to anyone traveling Japan, please give unagi a try if you haven't.  Cos if you don't, you may never will in another few years to come.

I remember

I remember a year ago...

For the past 2 days, my tailbone fractured for a long time started to hurt.  I was spotting too. They say if the baby is coming your gut knows it, but I dismissed it thinking it was just the nerves.  And boy was I nervous on the 3rd day when I woke up bleeding, and Bear rushed us to the hospital.

The cub took his time to arrive some 30 hours later. :)

 

I watched him napping this afternoon, was he actually asleep like this in my tummy a year ago?  Did I really compact this little creature within?  Was he aware of his surrounding, did he know that he's meant to leave the womb one day? I mean everything still feels surreal to me!

 I examined him over and over... the toes I've kissed countless times, the contour of his body, his features that still resemble the newborn days.  He suckles, twitches and still grins in his sleep like everyday.

 Oh Lord, I love this beautiful baby of mine.  And you know how vulnerable I feel just to say it.

Missing my boy

I've received quite a few delightful news from friends this year.  They've got a new baby!  All pink and wrinkled and soft and sleepy newborns smelling like milk.


 

And every baby's popping only makes me miss my boy, his earlier months ~ while his neck must be held to be burped, his poo runny, he was resistless during changing of clothes and diaper, the satisfied look on his face after nursing and that noisy smack on his lips, toothless smiles...

There are endless memories of my precious that have turned a little foggy by now and I regret having stopped blogging about him since 2012 started, mostly because I needed time for chores.  First things first you know.


 

And my mind's telling me now the first thing to do is to preserve the memories before they fade completely... 

The cub is turning 1 in a couple of weeks.  Can you believe it?  I wish someone had keep nagging me from the start about how quickly he'll grow up.

That's why I keep telling friends who've just got their newborn. Haha.

Rounding up May

Friends who have been here long enough know that May is a very special month for us.

8 years

We had our bronze wedding anniversary 1st May, though we didn't arrive at the day like how people thought we would, in fact, the past year is one we've been most tested.  Some said the 3rd person triggered it all - the innocent baby.  I think it's more like we had our honeymoon 7 years too long, and mature too little. But it's ok.  We'll grow, alongside with the baby.

37 years old

I've turned 3 years shy of Chapter 40, though I feel like 25, reason like 28, move like 39 and look like 44. My birthday wish is being pain-free forevermore.   Last year was a tough one for me.  To name the majors : I went through 22 hours of contraction.  Endured 3 months of painfully damaged tendon.  Had a surgery on my left wrist and still working on the stiffness.  3 days before my birthday, I fell and fractured the forefinger on the right, which should take another month to heal.  Rejoice with me, for I guess my mid-life crisis is over!!.  I'm so looking forward to my wholesome self again.

Children's Day

5th May is Children's Day in Japan.  The cub had his many firsts.  First balloon, first snack gift, first origami paper.  Being a parent is great!  I felt like a child again when receiving the goodies on his behalf.

And our spirits soared as we raised the carp streamer at home to celebrate the day the traditional way.

Bear's birthday

I wish I could make his favorite dishes like I always did, but not with my finger swollen like a smooth sausage. He can have my finger.  

Mother's Day

I never thought Mother's Day could become a special day for myself.

For the longest time I couldn't understand why I should be born a girl and all that bitterness just ate me alive.  But now, I've finally reconciled with myself.  I'm a brand new person with a purpose and a vision.  Being a woman finally feels wonderful, I wouldn't have known this self worth until I have my child.

Mothers are thanked on this day.  But really, I think I have my baby to thank for giving me such a great start in life.  Wow.

11 months

In Japan, babies under one are considered 零才 : zero years old.  How cute is that?  Sadly, this is the final month my cub stays 零才. Why should time pass so quickly when babies are so so cute.

And why should beautiful May be over so quickly. 

May I never forget that it was God's grace that made everything beautiful. :)

On blogging

Ahh... Spring.. my favorite season.  I can't tell you how much I love it even without having it whole.  

 

 I am bursting with memories to blog about but at this point of time, blogging looks more like a pile of files to clear.   Yet I know that blogging the memories count for if there comes a day I'm grey or able to idle again, the blog will be ripe and good to read.

So I'll try.  For my own sake.  Me, myself and I.

Recalling the earlier blogging years.. I used to avoid parenting blogs and mommys' blogs as I couldn't find a relevance in their lives, much less leave a sensible comment.  As for those mommies I'm keeping up with, they are precious friends I've made thanks to blogging.  

The way I see how I'll blog from now, it's going to be the kind of blog I used to shun, writting mostly about the cub, the cub and the cub.  It will send any carefree soul away, or even cure an insomnia... hahaha.

But he matters to me, I'm all about him now.

It's only natural that people go.  But thank you for if you're still staying around and asking how we're doing.   

To everything there is a season, I'm glad it's my time to be a mom. :)

First Spring

It's Spring.  A brand new season in my life.  I haven't known what bliss is until I get to welcome Spring with my boy this year.  It's his first Spring, likewise mine, there my heart a million blooms.  I'm blessed, so blessed to tears.

 

We could have put Winter behind trouble-free, until a week ago, both of us came down with a virus caught during the 9th month health examination, now how very helpful is that.  All at once the boy had his several firsts, a fever coupled with running faucet, vomit and awful slumber.  Seriously, I haven't been scared like this time for as long as I remember.  I wish I could take his place though I was suffering the symptoms no lighter.

Well at least the cub could still smile and play!!

But I didn't forget the morning he woke up burrowing into my bosom, sulking. Daddy replaced me the night before as I was too sick to attend to him, which probably explained his insecurity.  Your knees will go weak at those large pitiful pleading eyes, ohh...

I guess it's a few days more before the discomfort subsides, and we'll come back stronger, happier.  God is good.  We could have been sick during the colder season which take longer to recover, ya know.

We slipped off for some fresh air today nevertheless.  The cub was in an adventurous mood, and in his usual flirtatious self.  The latter I don't know where he got from.

Wait up...

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Look at him, my cub turning 9 months in 4 days.




Everyday I wake up to see my baby taller, bigger. There's this increasing intelligence in his eyes, sometimes I'm just incapable of fooling him anymore.



I'm forever guilty of the fact that I'm always trying to settle him somewhere safe rather than allowing him explore, as my bad wrists might not be fast enough to save him. I've never helped him like how my peers do their part as wonderful parents, but Mother nature is kind, the cub figured out much by himself. His 8th month is one of growth spurt, he sits up on his own, kneels as he pushes wheels around, pulls himself up to a standing position at the sofa and flashes big satisfactory smiles while doing so.



Hours ago I discovered his milk teeth cutting through the upper bed and they just punctured my heart. In days to come the little one will flash me two brand new milkies and continues meeting new milestones...





Though there's no greater joy seeing you growing up healthy and happy, darling I really miss you as the fresh newborn whom we've just brought back home. Baby I really do.

*****

I pinch myself to check if I'm still alive when a freshman mom, and another one, and one more! tell that they don't know how to carry on, while they have the support of their mother, mother-in-law, siblings, maid and friends. Erm, I can and can't relate to that. You know sometimes there's this faint wish of I know what 'support' is like.



Forget what I said.



But I really know that God is good, for the wonderful baby in my arms, but that doesn't mean things have been simple in other respects. For the past months, I've been so choked up in much matters that distract me from the cub, I guess that's why I end up 'missing' him all the time, especially after he has gone to bed. And suddenly the baby is so grown before I have enough of him. I wish that the energy meant for my baby hasn't been wasted on other stupid issues...



But I think the peak is over, it's time I start to breathe.



Wait up boy, wait up. Mommy is coming, and I hope that I'll miss out the joy of having you no more.

3.11

A year ago at 14:46 hours, an earthquake of magnitude 9 shook northeast Japan and raised the highest tsunami the country knew ever, robbed over 10 thousand lives mercilessly. To this day, 0ver 3000 people remain missing, 36 thousand nationals are forced to depart from their hometown due to environmental damage, or radiation exposure from the nuclear plants.



Words aren't good enough to describe my thoughts over 3.11. When the waves are unleashed that fateful hour, a lady could be in the process of labor. Somebody was bringing a newborn home. A couple was having a wedding. There were birthday party preparations. A child was praised. A patient healed. Anyone could be having another ordinary day... Nobody escaped, even the fleeing vehicles were consumed in an enormous current.



Why? Why the tsunami? Why them? Why anyone actually.



A year may have passed, but much remains acutely painful. Our hearts go out to those who have lost their loved ones, property, or literally everything.



A lunch is especially arranged today within the family. We gathered to remember the deceased, and the unfortunate ones. Also to remind ourselves to cherish whatever time left cos our days are numbered too.

Mama

I want to have this blogged before February ends. :)


My cub called me 'mama' yesterday!


Actually, he started babbling 'mamamama~ma' on the 9th, 2 days after I've taught him 'mama', but I couldn't take him seriously then.


When he went 'mama!' in my face last evening my heart skipped a beat. My hands stopped all work, it felt like I've heard the word for the first time in my life. Then he went 'baba~'


If I'm not imagining things, he could be asking for his papa because he wasn't home yet.


Gotta go check the cub now. Time to nurse. :)

Happy Valentine's Day

I have someone new to celebrate Valentine's Day this year. He is definitely the most special guy whom I celebrate the day with from this year forth, until he meets someone meant for him...


By then, will I be able to let go? Ohh...


Let me worry about that many years later and focus on that guy I'm married with.


That guy who is showing signs of early dementia and keeps repeating silly mistakes which I am absolutely incapable of covering anymore. Taking care of a baby can't be harder than looking after a spoilt grown up!


When have I started to talk like that? This could be the first time I'm airing dirty laundry here. I don't remember we've ever fought serious in our 7 years. But now it feels like the pent up frustration just blew off all at once.


But look at him now. All curled up on the sofa and with sad puppy eyes. I haven't greeted him 'Happy Valentine's Day' today. Of course, no special homemade dinner, gift or surprise prepared. Nuthing.


Maybe it's time to make up. This is all for Valentine's Day 2012. I hope everyone else is having it sweet. :)

A better friend

With much happening of late, it makes me wishing from inside that I have been a better friend. A friend who sends that promised mail, checks up the troubled pal, says the needful prayer.


It's not about being popular or building a presence. Something simple as being there for someone, like many others who have stood by me even before I asked them to.

*****

My blogger friend lost her darling Airedale Maggie today. It feels like I've lost a friend too. I haven't been able to check up on them lately, so the sad news just hit me somewhat hard and sudden.


I hope I do not miss caring for another friend again. For a change I hope I'll grow to be a better giver than just a receiver.


Thank you for sharing the marvel of your life there Maggie, you'll be missed. My deepest thoughts with you Sue.

Where are you?

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I don't know how time passes so quickly ever since my return from Singapore...


I'm pretty pleased with how I'm clearing stuffs even before my wrist is healed to a comfortable stage. Sadly, it's a reality too that there are aspects left to neglect.


Like the blog... You know, the cub is the one and only I may ever have my lifetime. So for every milestone reached or wonder he showed me, I've made mental notes to post them but failed to do so.


I've received presents and cards sent by kind folks all the way from Singapore, England, Taiwan and Australia, but I haven't take time to thank one by one though I wish I've done so. Why haven't I? Really!!!


Maybe I need an hour, just an hour that allows me to catch some sleep, finish the chores, catch up with friends, clear my mailbox. But where do I find that hour? I'm interupted 3 times when writting this.


If money can't buy me time, fine. How about some human-use battery? The kind that makes one go on and on and on like the Energiser Bunny.


Something very undesirable happened... I think I may have lost one, or even more miserably; two long time friends... Friends for almost 20 years. Just like that. With a snap of the finger. Boom! She's gone.


I swear I do not know the reason behind her vanishing without a word, and for the first few hours I was worried if something has happened to her. But you know, a cold shoulder isn't too hard to detect, the chill reaches me despite the distance.


It's not like we had a fight or anything close, our last words were we're dying to meet each other. It's not like someone bitched behind me and things got marred. It's not about a broken promise, a lie, or betrayal. A little voice tells me that I'll never know the reason my lifetime.


But I respect her decision to throw our 20 years away though it hurts with every heartbeat. I admit that I couldn't even make time to poke her. Maybe she felt neglected. Maybe...


Where you are, A? Give me a word, I just want to know that you're alright, nothing else matters. I won't even ask why. :(

*****

I'd like to leave a word for all blogger friends who are staying around with your encouragement. Things are inevitably tight for an imperfect person who's trying to put things right... You know I'll come back to you.

Home for Christmas

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Greetings! From Japan.


We actually flew back home a week ago, for reasons better forgotten, but our bags packed with toys and hearts full of joy. We're reunited with papa for this very special year end, our first Christmas, and first New Year together.


So all is good, and God is good for bringing us back so that we could celebrate the little guy who is another 6 months to a year old!


The cub was the apple of so many eyes then... my family, friends and even strangers. I was a proud mama throughout my stay in Singapore, my trophy, medal and prize lie in him. I've probably finally understood why people love to have kids?





At 5 months, the playful one was rolling over like a pro. I knew it, he looooves attention and is a big show off. He teased my family so much that everybody hurried home to catch their superstar. My brother must forgive me for posting this, know how much the cub liked it high on his uncle's shoulders. They are just too cute together!


I was most touched when my outrageously playful one was good throughout both flights, and even having passengers who couldn't resist him coming over to play. My eyes warmed when an Irish old lady praised and blessed him, these very warm-hearted people were too kind to an almost crippled mom struggling with a infant on the 7 hours flight.






I know you feel me when I say I'm thanking God for keeping the good spirits in my boy throughout those hours. :)






Someone may be right about me thinking too much for my little one is constantly in a good mood. True, but Mr. Sunshine has his Achilles' heel too. See what I mean.













And he means it.


Now into 6 months, I think I'm going grey if he's not going to love his semi-solids soon. HE~LP!!

*****

It's Christmas tomorrow, the birthday of our Savior, who came just as helpless as any babe in the world. As I carressed my little one and ponder upon the many miracles and blessings in my life... who am I, to have Him come and give... I can't really put into words, but the story of Nativity just touches me anew, again.


Blessed Christmas everyone, wherever you are, know that His blessings have never left you. May the beautiful spirit of Christmas fills your heart and home.

How many days...

To Christmas did you say?? I've been so dazed with so much late happenings that I'm missing all the fun of my favorite day.

*****

A surgery is carried out successfully on my left wrist 4 weeks ago, and now the fella has forgotten how to rotate, bend or twist freely. It is recovering little by little, but surely, and a complete healing is just a matter of time. It's been so long that I'm able to carry my baby with ease again. :)

We're extending our stay in Singapore until February of the brand new year. I do have some concerns though cos my family members simply dote on my little one too much, I can't imagine returning Japan with a spoilt brat. :(

I know, I know. They can't help themselves. Even strangers love him.

Well, I guess it'll be good to siam ( Singapore slang ; avoid ) winter for a wee bit.

I'm not forgetting everyone who have cared about my condition. All the concern, emails, and follow-ups, thank you so much! Things were hard for quite a while, but kind people like you have made days bearable.

Going home

In another 3 days, I'll be travelling with my 4 months old on a 7 hour flight home.


It isn't an easy decision. I worry about how the cub will cope with his first flight in his tender months, I guess it's why I'm not too thrilled about the trip this time.





The medical sectors in Japan aren't helping me, so I'm making a hopeful trip back for surgery on my wrists which are about to give way anytime soon. This Tendonitis has been tormenting me for years and been most unbearable the past months. I've been clenching my teeth so hard that I may lose them soon.


Looking back I couldn't have survived the past months with 2 bad wrists and an active baby without a new supply of grace granted to me day by day. Sniff...


Now I just need to pull through the flight, hoping that my fella stays his sweet self. After the surgery, I may not be able to use the keyboard for quite a while so catch up later everyone! Meanwhile, stay good and blessed.

At 4 months

4 months have passed and we're still calling our little thing 'Breadcrumbs'. We use this cute icon conveniently whenever we text about the cub.




















The 7300 grams of Breadcrumbs flips over with little help, and lunges himself forward as if he's ready to crawl.


His baby vowels have increased so much and it's really hilarious when he babbles non stop. He is starting to laugh and giggle aloud.


He has the most generous smiles and very friendly to strangers too.


I love it most when he looks at me affectionately and wraps his little fingers around mine.






Of course there are hair pulling moments like how he pulls his own hair and everybody elses, but he quickly makes up with his cute self.






At the mention of hair, I'm getting really scared as I'm shedding like autumn. Also, losing weight at an exponential rate too.. I didn't gain too much pregnancy weight to begin with due to the morning sickness slash, so it's all showing on my hollow cheeks and I'm looking as if I'm having morning sickness all over again.





It's a mixture of feelings whenever I bring the baby to the mirror, there he is all smooth and soft while I've never looked more haggard and tired.


It sounds great to look like a radiant mom holding my baby, but really I won't dwell too much on what's beyond my control. I'll be really happy though if I can just spend this winter cold-free.