Sharilyn

This one is for Sharilyn, who came into my life in 2008 when I started blogging.  



It all began with this sweet collection we shared, the shape of heart.  She stumbled into my place, and you know that kind of feeling?  You're not the only one in this world who sees these little hearts happening around too? 

Through the years we mailed, shared our thoughts, prayed.  Her personality translates despite the miles, she's naturally thoughtful, kind, humble and sincere.  I've been so blessed by her sweetness the past years.


 
This one is for Sharilyn, who left for heaven hours ago with so many she left behind brokenhearted.



Just when I was thinking of you again, an image on tv had 2 cats forming a heart with their tails.  Was it you my friend, feeling my vibe?



Thank you for your presence and who you are.  Let's have our first hug when we meet in heaven.  Till then, I know I will think of you whenever hearts appear.  I hope that you catch the breathtaking diamond dust this winter from above, someday let's experience one together.  Meanwhile, relish the endless glories Jesus has in store for you.



Hearts,
Stardust

Coming back...

I hope I really am.  Being verbal is burdensome sometimes, I may end up eating my words or hanging myself.  But what you do with blogging?


I don't know what broke down within me.  I needed a break and so I did and so explains the hiatus of quiet months.   By when I'm finally resuscitated from my daily coma, this is what I see...
 

I've missed a lot in between...  Looking back, much are like fallen leaves.  I guess I'm left with seizing the moment and living in it.  Breathe.


To make it last, maybe blogging helps.  Like how you press the leaves.

 

1st birthday & 1st year at home

28th June a year ago was when we brought the cub home from the hospital.  

'Hello baby, we're home' was how we've ushered the cub, still nameless then, into the house.  

A year later he is capable of navigating his way around the house if I let him.  He whisks his toys across the expensive parquet, creates a new mess everyday and makes himself very comfortable at home.

Sometimes the wild thing gets tired of indoor fun and starts leaning by the window to watch what's going on outside.  It's just embarrassing!  Especially when he is shabbily dressed, now what do you expect, we're home!  Now the passersby may be speculating that I've neglected my boy so much that he resorts to attention at the window.

Look at him, how can you ignore this cutie pie slapping on the window?

 

It's crazy but we can't imagine how home will be home without him!

So we make our perfect home the perfect place to celebrate the cub's first birthday ;)

I would have baked him his first cake if not for the nagging pain at you know where.  Anyway, I ordered one, customized it to resemble my boy's smile which tickled the pastry chefs much I heard.

A miracle happened on the day, his left eyelid reappeared though it retired after a few hours again.  It was brief but it really made his folks very happy.

It may have been a quiet celebration, just 3 of us, nonetheless joyous, blessed.  We've received gifts from family and friends, everyone who so love the baby...

But no love beats one of the loving dad, who prepared a glam toy ride flown all the way from Germany.  The birthday boy had his first BMW racer.





Uninformed beforehand, I was very moved when it was delivered to our place.  Bear's quiet thoughtfulness was one of the best thing I love about him.  We're blessed to have this sweet man at home.

The racer is truly heavy for a toy and takes a while before the cub is capable of handling it.  For now, we like the horn that makes a old fashioned squeak like an antique toy.

He really should have been more grateful and behave instead of having a little accident that day.  The cub peed on the floor for the first time.  :P

One

To my baby who have turned one,

I knew I'd love you when I found out about you.  

During the earlier half of pregnancy, on bad days I would vomit up to 18 times in bile, blood and tears.  It was hard but when I felt you fluttering by 13 weeks, baby you got me going on.

I loved the feeling of having you within me so much, I kept telling people I'd like to be pregnant for a little longer.

To have you means I went through labor, what meant lake of fire, gnashes and teeth to me from the age I understood women are designed to give life.  God is good, He was there all the time but know that I chose to go through hell just to have you. Epidural free.

I didn't cry, scream or utter a single complaint not because I was strong, but the thought of you going through the trauma of birth had me cast into iron.

I will never forget the way you looked first time I laid eyes on you.  Your twinkling bright eyes, cherry red chips... everywhere rounded and translucent pink.  You were so blindingly beautiful.

I admit that I was scared when we took you home, as I've heard too much stories of ladies who couldn't handle their babies.  Have you learned that from the start?  Is that why you've been kind to us all along?

I didn't get Tendonitis because of you.  But I must thank you for making it worse so that I could get it fixed for the rest of my lifetime.  God had the healing paved that way.

I've lost count of how times I've been hurt latching you, but nursing makes me feel beautiful. Forgive me though for always looking away cos whenever our eyes lock, you'll unlatch yourself, grin and start pouring milk out from your lips.  Your innocent milky grin. 

Thank you for weaning off the 5a.m. feed by yourself at 8 months.  Mommy was determined never to let you cry it out though I would love to sleep through the night like anybody else.

I miss you in this winter coat

I recall nursing you during those wintery nights, your poor ice cold hands.  I enclosed one within my fist while you cutely placed the other on the boob for warmth.  It was the sight that urged the let-down reflex and we started looking like 2 red hot bodies glowing in the dark.

I miss you in your winter coat.  You, a meatloaf in that fuzzy coat with 2 cute ears, were eye-catching wherever we went.

Because of you, this crazy picture with the background mess I can't be proud of, makes me smile. 

Find your lovey here.  It's pink.

It's ok to have a lovey or two, take my blankee too.  Thank you for making me the queen of your heart, for now.

Keep coming over to our bed in the morning morning and sleep all over us or fart in our faces.  I love the feel on your feet on my face.  But sleep baby, please sleep and we'll play later.

I thanked papa today, for all that he's done.  I realize that I've been thanking everybody around me except him.  He's the man who shared the seed and fathers my precious.  I can't imagine if you would look this perfect if I have you with another guy.

Know that I love papa very much too.

 

 Though there were times that were undeniably tough, I'll go through everything again just to have you.

For I love you.  And I love you so much, it hurts.

 Even on days you were less an angel, I loved you no less.

Mommy is a happy person now, not that one I used to know.   I can smile like a fool at the lyrics of 'What a wonderful world'  I wonder if I've really lived before I met you.

 

Thank you for being my child, the biggest miracle of my life.  Stay healthy, happy.  Stay you.  Keep surprising me and teaching me faith.

And never forget we didn't connect by chance.  It's a string of work and plans with great intent by God our Creator, the Giver of all good things.




Lord I've done nothing to deserve such great blessing, one that surpasses my dream.  But bless me no less from here, help me raise this child for Your glory, and keep him in Your enormous grace.  Amen.

Baby... and unagi

'You are 2cm dilated.' I was told.  The contractions came on slow and mild, and so I wasn't quite convinced that the baby is arriving.  I requested for discharge, because I needed to have my last fill of unagi, my favorite Japanese food.  It had better be the top course on the menu for the delivery would demand all the stamina I guess. 

We left at 4p.m. and shortly after I regretted leaving because the contractions started to hurt.  But I put up with it, as Bear would be very mad at me. ' I told you not to leave! ' he would say. :(  More importantly, I wanted my last decent meal for God knows when would I get to eat out without a care again.  Besides, did I mention that unagi provides stamina?

By 10p.m., the frequency was like every 10 minutes and hurt like real.  I started filming my tummy, how the baby would extend a fist or foot or elbow, wherever.  I urged Bear to sleep cos I would need his full support the next day, the contractions were too disturbing so I lied about a program I didn't want to miss.

By this hour at 12.48a.m. , I was already breaking out in cold sweat.  That night was chilly like how it is now.   I was still hanging on stubbornly, so that Bear wouldn't have a chance to lecture me on risking lives for unagi.

About 2a.m., Bear woke up to find me looking pale and limbs cold.  So he decided it's time.  It was a very foggy night, the drive felt like an eternity as Bear wasn't speeding.  For the first time on expressway, he didn't.

We reached at 3a.m.  Not knowing that the contractions would escalate a hundredfold hours later, I asked Bear if he could fetch me an unagi lunchbox by takeout.  Then the nurse came in to put me on a disappointing drip.

I have the baby to thank actually.  I had unagi almost every week once the morning sickness subsided.   After delivery, we were gifted with unagi from relatives.   Bear bought them several times to help my nutrition.  The family clan's celebration was held with an elaborated unagi course cuisine.  I have probably had the amount of unagi some Japanese had their entire lifetime, in a matter of months.

I'm glad that I've had enough of unagi before its price has shot up painfully high starting months ago.  Do you know how much an unagi meal would cost you these days?  Almost tripled the price I last had it!  A word of advice to anyone traveling Japan, please give unagi a try if you haven't.  Cos if you don't, you may never will in another few years to come.

I remember

I remember a year ago...

For the past 2 days, my tailbone fractured for a long time started to hurt.  I was spotting too. They say if the baby is coming your gut knows it, but I dismissed it thinking it was just the nerves.  And boy was I nervous on the 3rd day when I woke up bleeding, and Bear rushed us to the hospital.

The cub took his time to arrive some 30 hours later. :)

 

I watched him napping this afternoon, was he actually asleep like this in my tummy a year ago?  Did I really compact this little creature within?  Was he aware of his surrounding, did he know that he's meant to leave the womb one day? I mean everything still feels surreal to me!

 I examined him over and over... the toes I've kissed countless times, the contour of his body, his features that still resemble the newborn days.  He suckles, twitches and still grins in his sleep like everyday.

 Oh Lord, I love this beautiful baby of mine.  And you know how vulnerable I feel just to say it.

While you were... (III)

We waved bye ( yes, you were waving already ) to your 9th month packed with mysteries. You could pinch and grasp very well but you just couldn't pick up food and ended up crushing them.  Though it was hilarious watching you, we've decided you stop practicing with food.

 

You stopped calling us and the last time we heard you was on the day you turned 9 months.  Mysteriously, you started calling us again on the day you turned 10 months.

On the same day, you've decided that it's time to cruise along the sofa with the cutest wobble, and babe we were so impressed!

Then you wanted to push the walker, slap the tv, hang your arms on the gate, enjoy the new height you can reach.   You didn't care, cos you knew I was only pretending to be angry.

When Spring came, off we went to see the blooms.  To have a baby in my arms in my favorite season, that's something I could only imagine in the past.  You've made me a very very happy mama. :)

But I'm sorry for not being fast enough to grab the rape blossom you've popped into your mouth.  We got everything single bit out nevertheless.

 

 We celebrated Children's Day with lotsa goodies and blessings from people around us.  You've made papa's parents very very proud.

I got the the biggest shock on the day you turned 11 months.  I was busy in the kitchen and when I turned around to check you out, this is what I saw.  HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THE WALKER ON YOUR OWN?  How did you do that without making a sound, get a foot stuck somewhere, or land with a thud.. HOW?

 You love clapping with those kids on tv, and enjoy the weather forecast that screens later.  In fact, the weather forecast is your favorite program next to sesame street.

Daddy agreed that you sound like German, or French with those words we could never make out.  Did you get them from Big Bird or Kermit?

But I think I know your 'DA!' means 'da-me', 'no' in Japanese, and you like to repeat it after me. 

 

Sometimes, you are so engrossed with your toy  you've forgotten that you're standing hands free.  Then you'll squat down slow with caution, and give me that ' not knowing why you're making me laugh ' face.  It's ok if you can't stand on your own yet baby, let's go slow.

Cos before we know it, you'll be doing much on your own, like helping yourself on the snack, and forsaking your baby instincts ~ what made memories of the helpless you I'm keeping safe in my heart till it stops beating...

Dad and I agree that you've lost so much baby fat this month, like you can't wait to look like a 1 year old.

While you were... (II)

8 months in the coldest of winter...

You warmed my days by being your cute self, and mom's momentum was recovering just in time to enjoy you. 

 

 Every meal time was full of fun though I never understood why you put on so little weight despite that much you ate. 

 

 Right, you even ate bits of the paper written with lyrics of 'Rubber Duckie', the song I sang you at bath everyday.

When your bod was almost busting the stitches, we were hoping that your clothing would last you through the cold season.

You who never liked napping, and never associated napping with daddy, actually fell asleep in his arms one evening. :)　

You were amused every time you saw me appearing out of nowhere.  You still do. :)

 You had your first hair cut at 9 months.  Ask me where your snipped ends are.

 

 

Dad insisted we go see the first blooms though it was still cold.  So know that Adonis was the first flower you've touched.

You couldn't look more like yourself in this coat, my cute little cub.

 I swelled with pride for everywhere we went people would tell me how adorable you are.

Because it was so unusual of you to get cranky, I was telling daddy I found it insanely cute whenever you got mad.

You couldn't stand crawling anymore and started pulling yourself up by the sofa.  We loved how you'd stick out your bottom while doing so.

You were the darling we could never get sick of...

Unfortunately, you fell ill in your 9th month, and since then your beautiful left eyelid disappeared and it's been 2 months already.

When it's back, I'm so going to post a celebration on it, I promise.  Know that daddy and I are missing your eyelid like crazy...